if you spill, i will

When I was a teenager, I wasn't the coolest girl in school, or the prettiest. I wasn't the best athlete, or the lead in the school play. I couldn't sing or play an instrument. But I also wasn't the least popular girl or the one everyone hassled, either. I was just me, which as far as I was concerned wasn't that exciting. My best friend was the one with the beautiful blue eyes, the one all the guys liked. My other best friend was the sweet one that everyone loved (and pretty too).

I was the one that didn't break five feet tall. The one who did well in school, and therefore nominated to write essays for my friend with the beautiful blue eyes. * It should be noted that these essays were not for school, so there was no cheating involved. Her dad assigned her essays to complete for him (a nightmarish idea). Her ticket to the weekend, to freedom.

I was the one who said what she thought all the time (at least that's what everyone thought). I was the one who didn't care what anyone thought of me (but secretly wished I could be someone else). I was also the one who wrote poetry all the time. Poetry I only shared with my closest friends because letting someone read it was like turning my insides out. My poems revealed everything about me. The truth about all the things I felt and never said. All the things that hurt, but I never admitted.

Outside of my friends and my notebooks, I could be anyone. Because the last thing I wanted anyone to see was me. Did you ever feel like that?

Do you ever feel like that?

But that's the thing about keeping a journal. You can write anything. You can write the truth. Even if you never show it to anyone. (Especially if you never show it to anyone.)

Not everyone is meant to be a writer, and not everyone wants to be one.

But everyone should write.

Because words matter.

Your words matter.

They have power and permanency.

They leave a mark.

So find a place for your words.

If you're in school, I would suggest a spiral notebook because:

a) it looks like all your other notebooks

b) it will fit in your 3-ring binder for those occasions when you need to look like you're taking notes

If you've moved past school, a spiral notebook can still be disguised as work.

If you don't like notebooks and you need a little help "spilling open" try this:

From Amazon: "The True and the Questions, invites readers to allow themselves to "spill open" and create their own illustrated journal, and leaves plenty of space for them to do so. Sabrina's gorgeous art and moving text are interspersed with thought-provoking prompts to readers, encouraging them to draw, paint, collage, and journal."

whatever i become it will be me

in the moment i feel it

until i decide that moment ends

in the places you look

you won't find me

unless i want to be found

until i can find the me i want to become

– march 14, 1987

If you spill, I will.